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Title: Ore no Yome, Bakayarou
Author: goat_dono
Rating: T (language, violence, otaku stupidity)
Word count: 903
Summary/Prompt: springkink March 25 – Gintama, Gintoki / Hijikata: Hijikata feels possessive.

A/N: Sincere apologies for severe lateness.

Disclaimer: Gintama is the property of Sorachi Hideaki. I do not use its characters, settings and/or events for any profitable purpose.


“Oi! Mister! Are you a fan of Naki-chan? I’ve got something you might like!”

Tosshi turned to face a youth standing at a small table set up in front of a rather unpopular doujinshi shop. He bore a striking resemblance to a known Joui associate.

Grinning lewdly, the kid pushed a Kanaki: Kyoumiko doujinshi into Tosshi’s hands. “Check out page four!”

Tosshi studied the doujinshi's rather suggestive cover suspiciously before flipping it open. Page four proved to be the beginning of a long sequence of panels featuring Naki, Tosshi’s favorite character, gleefully and graphically giving up her famed virginity.

To an older man.

A very well-endowed older man.

A well-endowed older man and approximately a dozen of his friends.

Naki! My precious, beautiful Naki! Oh no! Nooo, this can’t be happening!

Tosshi carefully studied every detail of the action on each page while conducting his outraged inner dialogue, then went back twice to review, just in case he’d missed anything.

“Baka!” he hollered at the depraved artist / suspected Joui assassin. “Don't you know anything about the characters? Naki has stated very clearly that she dreams of one day being a virgin bride!"

The kid's eyes widened. "Hah! Loser! Don't you know anything about doujinshi? Naki isn't a virgin, she's a fucking drawing, dumbass. I can draw her doing anything I want!"

"Just because you go around having sex with random men doesn't mean that innocent characters do, you perverted piece of shit! How dare you do something like this!"

"Oh, I get it, Naki is your girlfriend, isn't she?" the kid sneered. "Aww, were you going to marry her someday? Too bad, ‘cause I got her good and laid and now she's damaged goods!"

Tosshi was worked up into a nonsensical frenzy. "All you did was draw some impossible, perverted, disgusting, out-of-character bullshit! Naki would never do something like this—"

"What’s the matter, you don’t like it? I guess it must be hard to find out your girlfriend’s a slut, huh? Hey, let me tell you about the dream I had last night, where she—"

Tosshi delivered a right hook to the kid’s mouth, knocking him down. "Shut up, chikuso! I hope that if you ever have a daughter she is defiled by yakuza and ends up a low-class streetwalker! It would be perfect justice and revenge on shit like you! If you have a sword, you better draw it now!”

Furious, the kid leapt up and snatched a weapon from behind his table, not noticing the change that had come over Tosshi’s voice. He barely had time to set himself up in a schoolboy kendo stance before the demonic vice-commander was on him.

There was no comparison. From Tosshi’s very first move, the boy realized with horror that the best he could do was dodge that vicious blade and try to stay alive.

Gintoki stepped out of the candy shop across the street just in time to see the duel begin.

“Hijikata! What are you—”

It was fortunate that when it mattered, Gintoki’s mind worked faster than his mouth could speak. Even as his words rang out, he sensed the error the young Joui was about to make and reacted before any of them realized what was happening.

The kid had misjudged his position, and stepped into Hijikata’s line of attack. Gintoki was instantly between them, his bokken blocking a terrible strike that would surely have split the boy in half. He forced Hijikata back into a defensive posture, while behind him the kid’s knees buckled in fear as he scrambled backwards to get out of the way.

“Hijikata, just what the hell are you doing? What are you fighting about? What would possess you to kill a boy waving a fake sword?”

Indeed, as he came to his senses, Hijikata could see that the kid’s sword was no more than a toy replica of the fanciful weapon of some Jump character. Worse, he wasn’t a dangerous Joui assassin. He was simply a random, cosplaying, hentai doujinshi artist, now snatching up his crudely-drawn merchandise and fleeing as if from the devil himself.

“Gin-san,” Hijikata whispered, his shaking hands sheathing the cursed blade. “Gin-san, what have I done?”

“You have to get rid of that damn sword! Throw it down! Throw it down now!” Angrily, Gintoki swung his bokken and struck Hijikata a punitive blow to the shoulder.

In a flash, that hateful blade was drawn again, and the gleaming, razor sharp point was just touching Gin’s Adam’s apple, just enough to draw a single, welling drop of blood.

“Oi, Hijikata-san, let’s think this through, shall we?” Gin offered nervously. “If you kill me, then who will you hire to assist you at the next Comiket, hmmm?”

Hijikata’s eyes widened and vacated and he slowly withdrew his sword.

“HAIIIII! Sakata-shi! Please accept my humble apologies for attacking you! I don’t know what I would do without your generous assistance and hard work! In fact, there is a special convention coming up soon that is by invitation only! Only a select few devoted fans have been invited! Of course I’ll need transportation and help guarding my new treasures. I may also require a small personal loan...”

Gintoki’s bokken clattered to the street. Crouching, he held his head in his hands, watching a bright drop of blood fall from his throat to splash into the dust. For once, he was utterly speechless.



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