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Title: Practical Purposes
Author: goat_dono
Rating: T (lucid wet dreaming, otaku stupidity)
Word count: 859
Summary/Prompt: springkink March 18 — Gintama, Gintoki/Hijikata: Accidental stimulation - sad bastards

A/N: My sincere apologies for lateness. Real life, writer’s block, etc.

Disclaimer: Gintama is the property of Sorachi Hideaki. I do not use its characters, settings and/or events for any profitable purpose.


We interrupt Sakata Gintoki, stationed resolutely upon the toilet, with a persistent ringing of the doorbell.

“Kagura!” he hollered, to no avail. The obnoxious bell-pushing continued.


“I will! Just wait until my toast is done!”

Arrrrrggggh... Gintoki forgot momentarily that straining is unhealthy.

"Gin-chan! It’s that creepy otaku pervert cop. Hurry up, I’m not safe when he’s around!"

"Hai, hai." Gin emerged, looking rather unfulfilled. "What do you want, creeper? Whatever it is, you’ll pay in advance this time."

"Well, Sakata-shi, as my previous plans were derailed by Itou-sensei’s deranged attempt to assassinate Kondo-sama and myself, I’ve come to once again request assistance with the acquisition of some desirable collector’s items."

"Oh right, he wants us to help him buy dolls at that silly Aikiba-kei shop. 'Cause they only sell one per person, right?"

Tosshi scuffed his feet and gave Kagura a leering side-eye.

"You are correct, Kagura-shi. For Special Edition Figurines, the limit is one per person, and I need three — one for preservation, one for viewing and one for practical purposes."

"So are you going to explain what 'practical purposes' means this time?"

"It means he needs one for playing with, Kagura. Just leave it at that."

"You play with dolls, creeper? You must really like girls a whole lot— "

"Shut up, Kagura! Hurry and get ready so we can get this over with. I have an important nap scheduled for one o'clock."



"Well, since the quantity of items I hope to purchase is significant, I will need the assistance of your Inugami in carrying them. So, we won't be able to take the train. But of course, I’ll pay you for that service as well!"

"Hijikata, you are one inconvenient bastard."

"Don't worry, Gin-chan!" yelled Kagura from the depths of a closet. "We'll just hold the dolls for ransom until he doubles our fee!"


The bulk of the afternoon was spent buying incredible amounts of otaku junk and cramming it into huge packs strapped to Sadaharu’s back. Excited beyond measure, Tosshi was oblivious to the steady stream of taunts and jeers from Gin and Kagura as he buzzed about the shop, quickly disposing of his entire salary — that is, what remained after the mandatory advance payment.

At last, the spending spree came to an end, and the Yoruzya and their insufferable client were ready to set off for home. Sadaharu was thoroughly humiliated to find himself loaded like a pack horse with gaudy anime merchandise. "There’s barely room for me to ride!" Kagura whined.

Tosshi was thrilled that his plan had finally panned out. Soon I will be home, and I’ll be able to enjoy my new treasures! he thought, cruising down the road on the back of Gin’s scooter. I can't believe I found the rare large-scale Tomoe 5000 with poseable limbs and removable panties!

In Tosshi's lewd imagination, Tomoe executed a flying pirouette in midair, allowing her impossibly short skirt to float about her waist and giving him (and only him, of course) a glimpse of ivory-colored satin panties, trimmed in lace.

Suddenly, an invisible atmospheric object tripped her up and she tumbled downward, landing neatly in Tosshi's arms with a gasp and a sigh.

In reality, Tosshi's arms wrapped themselves tightly around Gintoki's waist.

"Oh, Hijikata-sama," breathed Tomoe, blushing cutely, "I owe my life to you. I must fufill your every desire as payment for your brave and selfless act."

"Oi! Don’t press your crotch against me, creeper! Sit back and calm down! You aren’t my type!"

"Tomoe, my precious Tomoe! I want you to be my wife. You have preserved your virginity for me, correct? Good! So we are married now. Come into my room, Tomoe-chan. Don't be afraid, I'll be gentle..."

"OI! Stop wiggling or I’ll leave you by the side of the road!"

"Ahhhh! Such an exquisite feeling! What's that? You're ready to start a family? That is wonderful news, Tomoe-chan, because I don't think I can hold back this time..."

Finally arriving at Shinsengumi headquarters, Gintoki skidded abruptly to a halt in front of the gate. As the sudden stop occurred at a particularly vulnerable moment in his fantasy, Tosshi promptly creamed his pants with a labored groan and tumbled off the scooter to sprawl twitching in the street.


Fascinated, Kagura leapt down from Sadaharu's back and crouched next to the gooey otaku, sniffing his interesting new aroma. “He did! He had an orgasm for no apparent reason! How did you do that, chikan-sama? I want you to teach me!”

Tosshi tried to ignore her. “Ah...Anoo...Sakasa-shi...I can’t go inside like this. Will you be so generous as to sell me your pants?”

Later that night, as Okita's derisive laughter echoed through the barracks, Kondo-taichou decided there was really no point in investigating why his demonic vice-commander had been found lying unconscious in the road, underneath a pile of boxed figurines and hentai games, wearing his oddly sticky uniform pants upon his head.

Chi, he'll just blame being a loser on the sword, Kondo thought.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 1st, 2010 07:30 pm (UTC)
...so writing fic for the purpose of mocking otaku would've been just fine if the prompter asked for you to mock otaku, but as the prompt seems to me to call for slash, does this really fit?

Plus which, a fangirl who writes fic probably doesn't have that wide a margin to mock anyone else's expression of fandom. Just saying.
May. 1st, 2010 09:50 pm (UTC)
Well, considering that the series itself makes an utter mockery of otaku, and that "Accidental stimulation - sad bastards" doesn't exactly imply a hot, steaming romance, maybe you should read comedy as comedy and not take it so personally.

Are you the prompter? If not, then you really don't have that wide a margin to complain about someone's fic. Just saying.

May. 2nd, 2010 01:16 am (UTC)
I'm not the prompter... but if I were, I'd be a bit disappointed to have my A/B slash prompt not be about A/B in any sense except that they're both present.
May. 2nd, 2010 07:19 pm (UTC)
LOL Well, thanks so much for reading it anyway, and for offering such an amazingly subjective critique!

Have a nice day!

Edited at 2010-05-17 01:47 am (UTC)
Apr. 18th, 2011 12:53 am (UTC)
Hahahaha! That was an excellent comeback, what with the links. :D

On the note of the fic: I giggled madly. The last line? Brilliant.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )



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